AASLEAGH (n.)
A liqueur made only
for drinking at the end of a revoltingly long bottle party when all the
drinkable drink has been drunk.
ABERBEEG (vb.)
Of amateur actors, to
adopt a Mexican accent when called upon to play any variety of foreigner (except
Pakistanis - for whom a Welsh accent is considered sufficient).
ABERCRAVE (vb.)
To strongly desire
to swing from the pole on the rear footplate of a bus.
ABERYSTWYTH (n.)
A nostalgic
yearning which is in itself more pleasant than the thing being yearned for.
ABILENE (adj.)
Descriptive of the
pleasing coolness on the reverse side of the pillow.
ABINGER (n.)
One who washes up
everything except the frying pan, the cheese grater and the saucepan which the
chocolate sauce has been made in.
ABOYNE (vb.)
To beat an expert at a
game of skill by playing so appallingly that none of his clever tactics or
strategies are of any use to him.
ACLE (n.)
The rogue pin which
shirtmakers conceal in the most improbable fold of a new shirt. Its function is
to stab you when you don the garment.
ADLESTROP (n.)
That part of a
suitcase which is designed to get snarled up on conveyor belts at airports. Some
of the more modern adlestrop designs have a special 'quick release' feature
which enables the case to flip open at this point and fling your underclothes
into the conveyor belt's gearing mechanism.
ADRIGOLE (n.)
The centrepiece of a
merry-go-round on which the man with the tickets stands unnervingly still.
AFFCOT (n.)
The sort of fart you hope
people will talk after.
AFFPUDDLE (n.)
A puddle which is
hidden under a pivoted paving stone. You only know it's there when you step on
the paving stone and the puddle shoots up your leg.
AGGLETHORPE (n.)
A dispute
between two pooves in a boutique.
AHENNY (adj.)
The way people stand
when examining other people's bookshelves.
AIGBURTH (n.)
Any piece of readily
identifiable anatomy found amongst cooked meat.
AINDERBY QUERNHOW
(n.)
One who continually bemoans the 'loss' of the word 'gay' to the English
language, even though they had never used the word in any context at all until
they started complaining that they couldn't use it any more.
AINDERBY STEEPLE (n.)
One
who asks you a question with the apparent motive of wanting to hear your answer,
but who cuts short your opening sentence by leaning forward and saying 'and I'll
tell you why I ask . . .' and then talking solidly for the next hour.
AINSWORTH (n.)
The length of time
it takes to get served in a camera shop. Hence, also, how long we will have to
wait for the abolition of income tax or the Second Coming.
AIRD OF SLEAT (n.
archaic)
Ancient Scottish curse placed from afar on the stretch of land now
occupied by Heathrow Airport.
AITH (n.)
The single bristle that sticks
out sideways on a cheap paintbrush.
ALBUQUERQUE (n.)
A shapeless
squiggle which is utterly unlike your normal signature, but which is,
nevertheless, all you are able to produce when asked formally to identify
yourself. Muslims, whose religion forbids the making of graven images, use
albuquerques to decorate their towels, menu cards and pyjamas.
ALDCLUNE (n.)
One who collects
ten-year-old telephone directories.
ALLTAMI (n.)
The ancient art of being
able to balance the hot and cold shower taps.
AMBLESIDE (n.)
A talk given about
the Facts of Life by a father to his son whilst walking in the garden on a
Sunday afternoon.
AMERSHAM (n.)
The sneeze which
tickles but never comes.
(Thought to derive from the Metro-politan Line tube
station of the same name where the rails always rattle but the train never
arrives.)
AMLWCH (n.)
A British Rail sandwich
which has been kept soft by being regularly washed and resealed in clingfilm.
ARAGLIN (n. archaic)
A medieval
practical joke played by young squires on a knight aspirant the afternoon he is
due to start his vigil. As the knight arrives at the castle the squires attempt
to raise the draw-bridge very suddenly as the knight and his charger step on to
it.
ARDCRONY (n.)
A remote acquaintance
passed off as 'a very good friend of mine' by someone trying to impress people.
ARDSCALPSIE (n.)
Excuse made by
rural Welsh hairdresser for completely massacring your hair.
ARDSCULL (n.)
Excuse made by rural
Welsh hairdresser for deep wounds inflicted on your scalp in an attempt to
rectify whatever it was that induced the ardscalpsie
(q.v.).
ARDSLIGNISH (adj.)
Adjective
which describes the behaviour of Sellotape when you are tired.
ARTICLAVE (n.)
A clever
architectural construction designed to give the illusion from the top deck of a
bus that it is far too big for the road.
AYNHO (vb.)
Of waiters, never to have a
pen.