DALRYMPLE (n.)
Dalrymples are the
things you pay extra for on pieces of hand-made craftwork - the rough edges, the
paint smudges and the holes in the glazing.
DAMNAGLAUR (n.)
A certain facial
expression which actors are required to demonstrate their mastery of before they
are allowed to play Macbeth.
DARENTH (n.)
Measure =
0.0000176mg.
Defined as that amount of margarine capable of covering one
hundred slices of bread to the depth of one molecule. This is the legal maximum
allowed in sandwich bars in Greater London.
DEAL (n.)
The gummy substance found
between damp toes.
DEEPING ST NICHOLAS
(n.)
What street-wise kids do at Christmas. They hide on the rooftops waiting
for Santa Claus so that if he arrives and goes down the chimney, they can rip
stuff off from his sleigh.
DES MOINES (pl. n.)
The two
little lines which come down from your nose.
DETCHANT (n.)
That part of a hymn
(usually a few notes at the end of a verse) where the tune goes so high or low
that you suddenly have to change octaves to accommodate it.
DEWLISH (adj.)
(Of the hands or
feet.) Prunelike after an overlong bath.
DIDCOT (n.)
The tiny oddly-shaped bit
of card which a ticket inspector cuts out of a ticket with his clipper for no
apparent reason. It is a little-known fact that the confetti at Princess
Margaret's wedding was made up of thousands of didcots collected by inspectors
on the Royal Train.
DIDLING (participial vb.)
The process
of trying to work out who did it when reading a whodunnit, and trying to keep
your options open so that when you find out you can allow yourself to think that
you knew perfectly well who it was all along.
DILLYTOP (n )
The kind of bath plug
which for some unaccountable reason is actually designed to sit on top of the
hole rather than fit into it.
DIPPLE (vb.)
To try to remove a sticky
something from one hand with the other, thus causing it to get stuck to the
other hand and eventually to anything else you try to remove it with.
DITHERINGTON (n.)
Sudden access
of panic experienced by one who realises that he is being drawn inexorably into
a clabby
(q.v.) conversation, i.e. one he has no hope of enjoying, benefiting from or
understanding.
DITTISHAM (n.)
Any music you hear
on the radio to which you have to listen very carefully to determine whether it
is an advertising jingle or a bona fide record. Dittishams are one of the two
major reasons for the collapse of people's enthusiasm for rock. The other is Rod
Stewart.
DOBWALLS (pl. n.)
The now
hard-boiled bits of nastiness which have to be prised off crockery by hand after
it has been through a dishwasher.
DOCKERY (n.)
Facetious behaviour
adopted by an accused man in the mistaken belief that this will endear him to
the judge.
DOGDYKE (vb.)
Of dog-owners, to adopt
the absurd pretence that the animal shitting in the gutter is nothing to do with
them.
DOLGELLAU (n.)
The clump, or
cluster, of bored, quietly enraged, mildly embarrassed men waiting for their
wives to come out of a changing room in a dress shop.
DORCHESTER (n.)
A throaty cough by
someone else so timed as to obscure the crucial part of the rather amusing
remark you've just made.
DORRIDGE (n.)
Technical term for one
of the lame excuses written in very small print on the side of packets of food
or washing powder to explain why there's hardly anything inside. Examples
include 'Contents may have settled in transit' and 'To keep each biscuit fresh
they have been individually wrapped in silver paper and cellophane and separated
with corrugated lining, a cardboard flap, and heavy industrial tyres.'
DRAFFAN (n.)
An infuriating person
who always manages to look much more dashing than anyone else by turning up
unshaven and hungover at a formal party.
DREBLEY (n.)
Name for a shop which is
supposed to be witty but is in fact wearisome, e.g. 'The Frock Exchange', 'Hair
Apparent', etc.
DROITWICH (n.)
A street dance. The
two partners approach from opposite directions and try politely to get out of
each other's way. They step to the left, step to the right apologise, step to
the left again, apoiogise again, bump into each other and repeat as often as
unnecessary.
DUBUQUE (n.)
A look given by a
superior person to someone who has arrived wearing the wrong sort of shoes.
DUDDO (n.)
The most deformed potato in
any given collection of potatoes.
DUGGLEBY (n.)
The person in front of
you in the supermarket queue who has just unloaded a bulging trolley on to the
conveyor belt and is now in the process of trying to work out which pocket they
left their cheque book in, and indeed which pair of trousers.
DULEEK (n.)
Sudden realisation, as you
lie in bed waiting for the alarm to go off, that it should have gone off an hour
ago.
DULUTH (adj.)
The smell of a taxi out
of which people have just got.
DUNBAR (n.)
A highly specialised
fiscal term used solely by turnstile operatives at Regent's Park zoo. It refers
to the variable amount of increase in the gate takings on a Sunday afternoon,
caused by persons going to the zoo because they are in love and believe that the
feeling of romance will be somehow enhanced by the smell of panther sweat and
rank incontinence in the reptile house.
DUNBOYNE (n.)
The moment of
realisation that the train you have just patiently watched pulling out of the
station was the one you were meant to be on.
DUNCRAGGON (n.)
The name of
Charles Bronson's retirement cottage.
DUNGENESS (n.)
The uneasy feeling
that the plastic handles of the overloaded supermarket carrier bag you are
carrying are getting steadily longer.
DUNTISH (adj.)
Mentally incapacitated
by a severe hangover.