The Meaning of Liff

SADBERGE (n.)
A violent green shrub which is ground up, mixed with twigs and gelatine and served with clonmult (q.v.) and buldoo (q.v.) in a container referred to for no known reason as a 'relish tray'.

SAFFRON WALDEN (n.)
A particular kind of hideous casual jacket that nobody wears in real life, but which is much favoured by Ronnie Barker.

SATTERTHWAITE (vb.)
To spray the person you are talking to with half-chewed breadcrumbs or small pieces of whitebait.

SAVERNAKE (vb.)
To sew municipal crests on to a windcheater in the belief that this will make the wearer appear cosmopolitan.

SCAMBLESBY (n.)
A small dog which resembles a throwrug and appears to be dead.

SCETHROG (n.)
One of those peculiar beards without-moustaches worn by religious Belgians and American scientists which help them look like trolls.

SCONSER (n.)
A person who looks around them when talking to you, to see if there's anyone more interesting about.

SCOPWICK (n.)
The flap of skin which is torn off your lip when trying to smoke an untipped cigarette.

SCORRIER (n.)
A small hunting dog trained to snuffle amongst your private parts.

SCOSTHROP (vb.)
To make vague opening or cutting movements with the hands when wandering about looking for a tin opener, scissors, etc., in the hope that this will help in some way.

SCRABBY (n.)
A curious-shaped duster given to you by your mother which on closer inspection turns out to be half an underpant.

SCRABSTER (n.)
One of those dogs which has it off on your leg during tea.

SCRAMOGE (vb.)
To cut oneself whilst licking envelopes.

SCRANTON (n.)
A person who, after the declaration of the bodmin (q.v.), always says, '. . . But I only had the tomato soup.'

SCRAPTOFT (n.)
The absurd flap of hair a vain and balding man grows long above one ear to comb it plastered over the top of his head to the other ear.

SCREEB (n.)
To make the noise of a nylon anorak rubbing against a pair of corduroy trousers.

SCREGGAN (n. banking)
The crossed-out bit caused by people putting the wrong year on their cheques all through January.

SCREMBY (n.)
The dehydrated felt-tip pen attached by a string to the 'Don't Forget' board in the kitchen which has never worked in living memory but which no one can be bothered to throw away.

SCROGGS (n.)
The stout pubic hairs which protrude from your helping of moussaka in a cheap Greek restaurant.

SCRONKEY (n.)
Something that hits the window as a result of a violent sneeze.

SCUELET (n.)
The last teaspoon in the washing up.

SEATTLE (vb.)
To make a noise like a train going along.

SHALUNT (n.)
One who wears Trinidad and Tobago T-shirts on the beach in Bali to prove they didn't just win the holiday in a competition or anything.

SHANKLIN (n.)
The hoop of skin around a single slice of salami.

SHENANDOAH (n.)
The infinite smugness of one who knows they are entitled to a place in a nuclear bunker.

SHEPPEY (n.)
Measure of distance (equal to approximately seven eighths of a mile), defined as the closest distance at which sheep remain picturesque.

SHIFNAL (n., vb.)
An awkward shuffling walk caused by two or more people in a hurry accidentally getting into the same segment of a revolving door. A similar effect is achieved by people entering three-legged races unwisely joined at the neck instead of the ankles.

SHIRMERS (pl. n.)
Tall young men who stand around smiling at weddings as if to suggest that they know the bride rather well.

SHOEBURYNESS (abs. n.)
The vague uncomfortable feeling you get when sitting on a seat which is still warm from somebody else's bottom.

SHRIVENHAM (n.)
One of Germaine Greer's used-up lovers.

SIDCUP (n.)
One of those hats made from tying knots in the corners of a handkerchief.

SILESIA (n. medical)
The inability to remember, at the critical moment, which is the better side of a boat to be seasick off.

SILLOTH (n.)
Something that was sticky, and is now furry, found on the carpet under the sofa the morning after a party.

SIMPRIM (n.)
The little movement of false modesty by which a girl with a cavernous visible cleavage pulls her skirt down over her knees.

SITTINGBOURNE (n.)
One of those conversations where both people are waiting for the other one to shut up so they can get on with their bit.

SKEGNESS (n.)
Nose excreta of a malleable consistency.

SKELLOW (adj.)
Descriptive of the satisfaction experienced when looking at a really good dry-stone wall.

SKENFRITH (n.)
The flakes of athlete's foot found inside socks.

SKETTY (n.)
Apparently self-propelled little dance a beer glass performs in its own puddle.

SKIBBEREEN (n.)
The noise made by a sunburned thigh leaving a plastic chair.

SLIGO (n.)
An unnamed and exotic sexual act which people like to believe that famous film stars get up to in private. 'To commit sligo.'

SLOGARIE (n.)
Hillwalking dialect for the seven miles of concealed rough moorland which lie between what you thought was the top of the hill and what actually is.

SLUBBERY (n.)
The gooey drips of wax that dribble down the sides of a candle so beloved by Italian restaurants with Chianti bottles instead of wallpaper.

SLUGGAN (n.)
A lurid facial bruise which everyone politely omits to mention because it's obvious that you had a punch-up with your spouse last night - but which was actually caused by walking into a door. It is useless to volunteer the true explanation because nobody will believe it.

SLUMBAY (n.)
The cigarette end someone discovers in the mouthful of lagerthey have just swigged from a can at the end of a party.

SMARDEN (vb.)
To keep your mouth shut by smiling determinedly through your teeth. Smardening is largely used by people trying to give the impression that they're enjoying a story they've heard at least six times before.

SMEARISARY (n.)
That part of a kitchen wall reserved for the schooltime daubings of small children.

SMISBY (n.)
The correct name for a junior apprentice greengrocer whose main duty is to arrange the fruit so that the bad side is underneath.
From the name of a character not in Dickens.

SNEEM (n., vb.)
Particular kind of frozen smile bestowed on a small child by a parent in mixed company when question, 'Mummy, what's this?' appears to require the answer, 'Er . . . it's a rubber johnny, darling.'

SNITTER (n.)
One of the rather unfunny newspaper clippings pinned to an office wall, the humour of which is supposed to derive from the fact that the headline contains a name similar to that of one of the occupants of the office.

SNITTERBY (n.)
Someone who pins snitters (q.v.) on to snitterfields (q.v.) and is also suspected of being responsible for the extinction of virginstows (q.v.).

SNITTERFIELD (n.)
Office noticeboard on which snitters (q.v.), cards saying 'You don't have to be mad to work here, but if you are it helps!!!' and slightly smutty postcards from Ibiza get pinned up by snitterbies (q.v.).

SOLENT (adj.)
Descriptive of the state of serene selfknowledge reached through drink.

SOTTERLEY (n.)
Uncovered bit between two shops with awnings, which you have to cross when it's raining.

SPITTAL OF GLENSHEE (n.)
That which has to be cleaned off castle floors in the morning after a bagpipe contest or vampire attack.

SPOFFORTH (vb.)
To tidy up a room before the cleaning lady arrives.

SPROSTON GREEN (n.)
The violent colour of one of Nigel Rees's jackets, worn when he thinks he's being elegant.

STEBBING (n.)
The erection you cannot conceal because you're not wearing a jacket.

STOKE POGES (n.)
The tapping movements of an index finger on glass made by a person futilely attempting to communicate with either a tropical fish or a post office clerk.

STURRY (n., vb.)
A token run. Pedestrians who have chosen to cross a road immediately in front of an approaching vehicle generally give a little wave and break into a sturry. This gives the impression of hurrying without having any practical effect on their speed whatsoever.

SUTTON and CHEAM (nouns)
Sutton and cheam are the two kinds of dirt into which all dirt is divided. 'Sutton' is the dark sort that always gets on to light-coloured things, and 'cheam' the light-coloured sort that clings to dark items. Anyone who has ever found Marmite stains on a dress-shirt, or seagull goo on a dinner jacket (a) knows all about sutton and cheam, and (b) is going to some very curious dinner parties.

SWANAGE (pl. n.)
Swanage is the series of diversionary tactics used when trying to cover up the existence of a glossop (q.v.) and may include (a) uttering a high-pitched laugh and pointing out of the window (NB this doesn't work more than twice); (b) sneezing as loudly as possible and wiping the glossop off the table in the same movement as whipping out your handkerchief; (c) saying 'Christ! I seem to have dropped some shit on your table' (very unwise); (d) saying 'Christ, who did that?' (better); (e) pressing your elbow on to the glossop itself and working your arms slowly to the edge of the table; (f) leaving the glossop where it is but moving a plate over it and putting up with sitting at an uncomfortable angle the rest of the meal; or, if the glossop is in too exposed a position, (g) leaving it there unremarked except for the occasional humorous glance.

The Meaning of Liff - S